Recently I have been thinking about how codified and hierarchical communication between people truly is. I am sure this has been attempted before, but it seems to me that there are a number of distinct levels that can be commonly identified when people communicate with each other. The examples below are somewhat tongue in cheek, but I am sure the reader will recognise themselves in at least some of the exchanges quoted.Silent
Strangers. Reliant on non verbal cues to decide if communication should start.
Lapalissian
A self evident form of communication acting as a conversation opener.
- Dreadful weather day today, isn't it ?
- It is indeed, not much of a summer this year.
- I know, it has been terrible has it not?
- Worst I can remember ….
No information is truly exchanged and it exist merely to acknowledge the presence of the other person and as a possible opener to more interesting levels of communication.
Symmetrical
Small talk. Starts with little or no shared context. The conversation is based around the mutual exchange of anagraphical data and public knowledge information associated with the public persona. Typically used in slightly formal environments to while away the time while attempting to locate common ground to move communication to a more satisfying tier.
- What do you do? (or Where are you from? Where do you live? Do you have children ? etc)
- I am a/I work at …, how about you ?
It consists of a number of standard search patterns aimed at homing in on common ground and starting to build shared context.
Anecdotal
Conversation with known acquaintances. Once sufficient time has been spent in the symmetrical state and enough information is known about the public persona of an interlocutor, a certain amount of shared context will have been built. Once this has been achieved the communication can transition to a more satisfying tier and allow for the exchange of stories/anecdotes/views, thus productive and enriching debate ensues and further shared context and mutual understanding is built.
Friendship. A critical mass of common context will tip the relationship into friendship. Friendship seems to rely on a set of pre-ordained communication archetypes with the dual purpose of exchanging information and challenging/re-asserting the value of the friendship thus generating pleasure in the participants. This form of communication both assumes (and expects) the triggering of specific responses in the interlocutor(s) and is utilised in similar forms regardless of the number of listeners, as long as they all loosely share a similar amount of context. Common communication archetypes exploited in this phase are:
Gifting "rare" information Information known to one party that is deemed valuable to the other party is shared. Well meaning "gossip" between friends falls into this category
- You would not ever guess what happened to ...
- Pray tell ...
- Well,…
The interlocutor feels good as they are gifted valuable information. The speaker feels useful. The friendship is reinforced if the information is indeed found to be valuable or interesting. This is typically the case due to the existing shared context.
Overcoming difficulty Tales of "difficulty overcome" are shared. This presumably reinforces in the interlocutor(s) the feeling that the speaker is resourceful and worth knowing. Thus the friendship is reinforced. A component of this mode of communication is the gifting of the information pertaining to how the specific difficulty was overcome. This may be of use to the listener(s) and falls into the previous category.
Asserting uniqueness Anecdotes about how "unique" or "crazy" or "funny" one's behaviour is and how it is different from socially acceptable norms. Distancing oneself from social norms and obtaining consensus from the interlocutor(s) reinforces the friendship through the assertion of uniqueness. It is somewhat ironic, but not altogether unexpected, that this conversation archetype tends to revolve around stale stereotypes of distinctly ordinary and mild forms of anti-social behaviour (e.g. doing "funny" things when drunk, mild law infringement, slight awkwardness towards someone outside the social circle, mild risk-taking - often exaggerated ). This is because its aim is not to communicate true rejection of social norms but to challenge the boundaries of the known shared context in order to highlight the us versus them aspect of the friendship and reinforce its uniqueness and value. Can be followed by the "overcoming difficulty" pattern if the reported behaviour happens to have landed the speaker in a spot of mild trouble.
Seeking sympathy The sharing of hard luck stories, whether emotional or not, gives the listener(s) the chance to feel good about themselves on two levels: such a rotten thing is not happening to them and they can "help" by generously gifting their understanding and support. Seeking sympathy reinforces the friendship by underlining the need for the relationship to exist. Note that the aim of seeking sympathy is not to truly get an objective opinion of whether the hard luck is deserved or whether the interlocutor agrees with the speaker's views. For the friendship to be reinforced, hard luck needs to be acknowledged, not questioned, and understanding gifted back. This in turn makes the sharer feel good about the friendship and themselves by obtaining the expected response. It is a self-serving ritualised exchange typically void of objectivity.
Reinforcing Anecdotal
Reinforcing Symmetrical
Small talk between people who are close. Communication between people who are close and know each other well also utilises the simple modes of communication explored above, with similar purposes, but with the added aim of showing genuine interest in the life of the other person and as an opener to reinforcing anecdotal debate to seek advise, share views, generally help one another.
- How was work?
- Fine, difficult day …
- Tell me about it
Reinforcing Lapalissian
Self evident communication aimed not just at acknowledging the other person's presence but also to reassure them how we feel about them and reinforce the relationship.
- Honey I'm home...
- So you are, I am so glad !!!
Reinforcing Silent
People in close relationships, comfortable in each other's company and feeling no immediate need for communication. Again reliant on non verbal cues.

